Crying, Why We Need To

by Yessenia Guglielmi | Sep 29, 2024 | article

In doing research for this blog post, I consulted with ChatGPT out of curiosity about SEO related to the topic of crying. I was surprised to learn that a common question that is often searched on search engines is, why do I cry? People often look up crying and depression, crying and anxiety, crying in relationships, and why does crying make me feel better. As a therapist having worked with hundreds of patients over the past 25 years, I’ve engaged in a variety of conversations on crying. 

A common response I have noticed is associated with fear. A fear that crying is in some way an indication of losing control or not being able to deal with a situation. That somehow the act of crying denotes a weakness in character. Other patients have noted the cultural shame associated with crying. Crying designates a break in culture that is seen as socially unacceptable. Often, patients have tried to hold back from crying that physically makes them sick or hang on to the lump in their throat rather than release it. A sense of sadness comes over me when I hear a patient relaying a traumatic event in their lives as if relaying the weather forecast, disconnected and detached. Some take months in therapy before they allow themselves to express crying in session. 

A recent journal article in the APA titled, “Window of Opportunity”: Clients Experiences of Crying in Psychotherapy and Their Relationship with Change, the Alliance, and Attachment. This study was done in Italy and Israel and now replicated in the United States. The hypothesis, would positive crying experiences lead to improvement and strengthen alliances in therapy. So they interviewed 124 participants to learn if crying experiences in therapy were linked to improvement. Their findings were yes, participants who reported crying in therapy had greater improvement and felt better understood by their therapist.  This study highlighted for me the importance of spending time exploring with a client their experiences and meaning around crying. The study suggests specifically, spending time processing crying around insecurely attached patients. This leads to greater understanding in therapy, a positive alliance, and treatment progression.  

Finding comfort in crying takes time for most therapists to develop a level of ease. This is because we therapists have our own work to do around this topic. We may have come from households like our patients where crying was simply shut down by our parents and extremely discouraged. It may have induced panic in both ourselves and parents in trying to cope with a situation. Which is why we train for years and why it’s encouraged to speak to a mental health provider who is trained in these areas to help you. This is why it’s so different speaking to a mental health provider vs a friend or family member. Why it helps you in your own treatment to understand crying. Why you cry, what makes you cry, who makes you cry, memories attached to crying, crying and identifying emotions, expanding from old narratives about crying and getting to a place of healing. 

In the poem, Crying by Galaway Kinnell it starts with:

“Crying only a little bit

is no use. You must cry

until your pillow is soaked!

Then you can jump in the shower

and splash-splash-splash!”

The author is asking us to exhaust ourselves in crying, to allow ourselves to empty the pain we are holding so close to us. The pillow denotes a softness that can absorb all that we need to release. A gentleness that we need to extend ourselves so that we can then wash it away and rejoice. A sense of joy and playfulness that we can then transform our sadness to. I love this notion. In the poem’s last lines “Happiness was hiding in the last tear! I wept it! Ha Ha.” 

Simply beautiful, the revelation of happiness hiding in the last tear and releasing it to enjoy it or the moment and laughing reminds me of the healing that occurs in therapy. 

So allow yourself to take the risk, to not assume a loss of control or any of the old narratives you have in your mind about crying. Connect and build a positive alliance with yourself and your therapist for your own healing. 

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/crying-95/

KATZ, M. et al. “Window of opportunity”: Clients’ experiences of crying in psychotherapy and their relationship with change, the alliance, and attachment. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, [s. l.], v. 55, n. 3, p. 258–268, 2024. DOI 10.1037/pro0000559. Disponível em: https://research.ebsco.com/linkprocessor/plink?id=138cb841-1dca-3ef0-9872-232d9ea6ee5f. Acesso em: 29 set. 2024.