As a mental health professional based in Morris County, NJ, I have witnessed firsthand how the prolonged traffic issues on Route 80 are affecting the well-being of commuters. Many of my patients and community members are experiencing heightened stress, anxiety, and frustration caused by the ongoing sinkhole crisis. https://dot.nj.gov/transportation/commuter/roads/i80/
One patient recently shared, “Doc, I’m facing death every day. The near misses and almost accidents I’ve had are crazy. People are losing their minds, driving crazy. I just grip the wheel and cry.”
With the ongoing sinkhole issue on Route 80, it’s not unusual to hear about people spending over an hour and a half, or more, navigating the chaotic traffic. Living in Rockaway, just one exit away from the traffic jam, I witness the congestion forming as early as 1:30 in the afternoon. The mental health effects of this ordeal cannot be understated. Despite Governor Phil Murphy’s call for remote work accommodations, many employers have not followed suit. Consequently, I now encounter numerous patients who are emotionally overwhelmed by the grueling commute and the length of time this has gone on.
Mental Health Impact:
Definition: According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), aggressive driving is defined as any combination of traffic offenses that endanger other persons or property. Road rage, on the other hand, is an extreme form of aggressive driving, often characterized by violent or angry behavior behind the wheel.
A recent Pew Research Center survey indicates that nearly half of Americans perceive an increase in dangerous driving in their areas since the COVID-19 pandemic. This perception aligns with what I am hearing from many of my patients as they navigate the hazardous conditions on Route 80.
The prolonged commute is taking a serious toll on mental well-being. Some of the most common issues I hear about include:
Increased anxiety and depression
Episodes of road rage and frustration
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
Emotional breakdowns, including crying and screaming in the car
Impulses to engage in reckless driving
Limited patience and heightened irritability.
The average commute time has increased by at least an hour and a half, adding significant stress to daily routines. Many arrive at work feeling drained, with little motivation to start the day. Adding to this stress, remote work options remain scarce, despite clear mental health challenges people are enduring. Many people fear pushing the option of remote work due to fears of losing their jobs in what seems to be a difficult economy we may be heading into. The effects, even if they are masked for hours a day, are real. People are struggling. It’s been many months of trying to cope and peoples’ reserves are at a breaking point.
Coping with Commuter Stress:
Finding ways to manage stress during a challenging commute can make a significant difference. Here are some practical strategies to help reduce anxiety and regain a sense of control on the road.
Engage Your Mind:
Audio Books & Podcasts: Choose content that uplifts and distracts in a positive way, such as self-help, empowerment, comedy, or recovery-focused podcasts. Avoid those that trigger stress or anxiety.
The Playlist: Music is a powerful regulator of our nervous system. Curate a playlist that helps you unwind or matches the duration of your commute.
Mindful Practices:
Breathing and Mindfulness: Practice deep breathing techniques, like box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds) to stay calm.
Gratitude Reflection: Focus on what you have rather than what you lack. This practice encourages a positive mindset and emotional resilience. Social Connection:
Reaching Out: Use your commute to call supportive friends or family who bring a sense of calm or humor. For those in recovery, reconnecting with a sponsor can also be helpful.
Optimizing Your Routine:
Break Your Schedule: Adjust your work hours to avoid peak traffic times if possible. Flexible scheduling, like a 12-8 or 11-7 shift, can significantly reduce stress. Offer yourself options.
Use Your PTO: It’s essential to use accumulated time off strategically to recharge. I speak to people who sometimes have 2 years of sick time they haven’t used. Take a mental health day, schedule time off around your period or PMS week. Be strategic and use your time in ways that nourish you.
Enhance Your Environment:
Make Your Space a Sanctuary: After a long commute, create a cozy home environment with fresh flowers, calming scents, or soft lighting to decompress. Seek Support:
Therapy: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, talking to a therapist can provide guidance and emotional relief.
Limit News: This again goes back to an already anxious mind, it does not need more things to worry about. I recommend no more than 15-30 minutes of news daily.
Self-Harm Awareness: Be mindful of coping mechanisms that may be harmful, like substance use, and seek help if needed.
Call to Action: If you’ve been affected by the Route 80 sinkhole commute, share your experience and coping strategies in the comments. Let’s support each other through this challenging time.
The only time I ever cried with a client in over twenty years as a counselor was with a young mother who had lost her second child just hours after the baby was born. Sharing that sacred space with her as she recounted the devastating loss was the only time in my career that I sobbed during a session. The profoundness of her grief gutted me.
At the time of this session, my two little girls were at home, waiting for me to return. The thought of losing one of my daughters hit me hard—especially knowing how much not just I, but my entire family, would have lost. Over the years, I’ve sat with many women who have endured the incredible grief of miscarriage or stillbirth.
How the Medical System Falls Short
What’s even sadder is that the medical model’s approach to supporting mothers in this situation hasn’t changed in all my years of practice. They’re often just sent home to follow up with their OB/GYN, perhaps given a depression screener, a few community resource phone numbers—and that’s about it. Many women leave the ER still bleeding and scared. They go through the miscarriage on their own.
Yes, there are logistical challenges. Emergency rooms are understaffed and overwhelmed. But OB/GYN departments could do more—just as many do for prenatal education and birth classes. The hospital system could shift its priorities to include post-loss support for bereaved mothers.
The Stillbirth Crisis in the U.S.
According to a 2023 article by ProPublica:
“The U.S. stillbirth crisis, in which more than 20,000 pregnancies every year are lost at 20 weeks or more and the expected baby is born dead. ProPublica’s reporting found that a number of factors contributed to the nation’s failure to bring down the stillbirth rate: medical professionals dismissing the concerns of their pregnant patients, a lack of research and data, and too few autopsies being performed. Additionally, alarming racial disparities in stillbirth rates have compounded the crisis.”
Read the full article: https://www.propublica.org/article/stillbirths-rate-nih-cdc-prevention-research
Given these statistics, mental health clinicians often become the primary support system—if grieving women are even referred to us at all. BIPOC women, LGBTQ+ families, or those with limited access to healthcare continue to face unique burdens in our country.
What Grieving Mothers Are Told (and Why It’s Harmful)
Most mothers suffer in silence. They hear:
– “Try again.”
– “You’ll be okay once you have another baby.”
– “It happens.”
These phrases, though well-intentioned, are deeply dismissive. Many grieving mothers also hear, implicitly or explicitly: “Get over it and stop talking about it.”
Grief Isn’t Linear: Beyond the Kübler-Ross Model
In therapy, some mothers want to move quickly through “the steps”—the traditional stages of grief. But what I’ve found is that grief after miscarriage or stillbirth is not linear and never truly ends. It can take years—or decades—for women to find meaning in their loss.
Some begin expressing their grief creatively. Others finally speak the name they gave their baby. Quiet rituals emerge: lighting a candle on the due date, planting a tree, or writing a letter. These acts of remembrance and validation are essential.
The Science of Why Mothers Never Forget
Even if they go on to have other children, the loss never leaves. Women remember. They carry their babies deep in their bodies—literally.
The placenta, a shared organ, contains both the mother’s and baby’s cells. These cells migrate throughout the mother’s body. Research published in Scientific American revealed that these fetal microchimerism cells can remain in the mother’s brain for decades. This is why a mother never forgets—because her body won’t let her.
So please, stop telling mothers to move on. They physically can’t. Instead, we must create space for them to grieve, to integrate, and to heal—without shame.
Therapy, Grief, and Growth
Therapists must acknowledge that grief after pregnancy loss may require long-term, non-linear work. We must validate that prolonged grief coping and post-traumatic growth are not signs of dysfunction, but signs of deep love and emotional resilience.
*If you or someone you love has experienced pregnancy loss, know that you are not alone. There is a large community of support available to you and your loved one. Please check out the links above and consider reaching out to a therapist or support group. **
I admit, I am very late at appreciating Bad Bunny. About 5 years too late. I’m also about 3 months late in offering my review of his new album, Debí Tomar Más Fotos, which was released this January 2025.
For those who don’t know, Bad Bunny (aka Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio) is a Puerto Rican artist known for blending reggaetón, Latin trap, and emotional lyricism. He’s become one of the most influential global artists of the last decade—pushing boundaries in music, fashion, and culture.
Hearing about Bad Bunny several years ago, I just wasn’t interested in Reggaeton. It wasn’t the kind of music I liked, I’m old school. Raised on the classics from my parents’ generation. El Gran Combo, Juan Gabriel, Rocio Durcal, Jerry Rivera, Tono Rosario, Marc Anthony, Elvis Crespo, etc. So why was I going to listen to this booty grinding, club music. The only club I go to these days is Costco.
Yet, I happened to catch **Bad Bunny’s recent performance on NPR’s Tiny Desk**.
I loved it! I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. His voice was soulful, his heartbreak was beautiful. It reminded me of those rhythms I had grown up with and my dad playing his **güiro**, listening to salsa from a big boom box. Way back, when salsa records had images of women in tiny bikinis and body parts.
It’s the mix of old and new—the fusion—that I really enjoy. The longing he invokes and the feeling of missing out. I think the album cover is also well done, just two empty plastic chairs in front of a palm tree. The title, *Debí Tomar Más Fotos* (*I should have taken more pictures*), is perfect. It relates so well to our current time.
It’s been a while since an album transported me through the past, present, and future. It leaves me with a feeling of the importance to enjoy, to capture these moments despite the hardships. There are photos we keep in our phone and there are ones we keep deep in our hearts.
Some of my favorites songs are:
**Perfumito Nuevo**,
**El Club**,
**Nuevayol**,
**KETU TeCre**—really the entire album is great.
I love that in his NPR performance Benito shares that his song *Lo Que Pasó en Hawaii* came to him in a dream. A kind of download, if you will—he had to wake up and write the whole song out before he could sleep again. Perhaps inspired by other forces to share with us all a powerful message.
The message is about **Puerto Rico** and **loss**. Loss of its people, loss of itself. Corruption. There’s a lot to heal. The risk of losing more. It’s sad, especially when you read about what’s happening there, the conditions people are coping with. An island still dealing with ongoing crisis.
The Dismissal of Women’s Symptoms in Healthcare So, something that bothers me about our medical system is the amount of dismissiveness there is towards women. Especially if they have a mental health diagnosis or have had an episode of a panic attack. If you’ve had stress, if you’ve been through a change in your life, if you’re lactose intolerant, anything at all that can be disregarded generally is. I have the luxury as a therapist to actually listen to my patients. To spend an hour with them. So when my patients are brushed off by other providers, it stings. Especially when my work with them has been about listening to their bodies and attuning to themselves.
Perimenopause, Hormones, and Misdiagnosis With more frequency I am working with women in perimenopause. I myself am in that transition and understand the varied symptoms that one contends with. Recently, Oprah did a special on menopause. While it was a great start to the conversation about this decade in our lives that affects us so profoundly, more is needed. In my solo practice alone, I have at least three patients who have, as part of their perimenopause journey, experienced seizures. Have all been dismissed multiple times by every single provider they shared their symptoms with and have gone undiagnosed for longer than they needed to. Have had to question their own reality over and over to fit what the medical provider tells them vs their own bodies.
Catamenial Epilepsy: A Real, Underdiagnosed Condition We know that hormone fluctuations affect the brain. So why is the idea of a seizure so out of the realm of possibility for providers? Estrogen literally stimulates activity in the brain. According to EpsyHealth.com, one in twenty six people will develop epilepsy in their lifetime. Catamenial Epilepsy is real. This is a form of epilepsy that is affected by a woman’s menstrual cycle. This does not mean you are crazy or making up symptoms. If you are having any of these general symptoms, please find a provider that will listen to you.
What Seizures Can Look Like in Women Seizure symptoms vary so please write down what you are experiencing. Mostly, people imagine falling to the floor and convulsing. While this can happen for many people, it can also be much more subtle. Triggers or signs ahead of time that a seizure is coming are also different for people. Many times I hear, after the fact from a patient, that a few hours before they had a seizure they were having sensory changes. It could be their vision, sense of smell, ringing in the ears, taste, other sounds. Some may have nausea or stomach discomfort, tingling or numbness in their body. Shortness of breath and difficulty breathing, headache, jittery or nervous feeling — the list can be extensive.
How to Document Symptoms and Advocate for Care I urge patients to write down their experience. It takes time to help patients feel confident enough to share this with their neurologist or medical provider. I share this so that if a medical provider is reading this they will know how hard it is for a patient to come in with their list of symptoms and finally feel ready to share it. Please don’t dismiss them. Sometimes it’s taken months for a patient to acknowledge what’s happening to them and to have the courage to share it. If you can’t help them, then please refer to them rather than dismissing them.
Helpful Resources on Seizures and Hormones Please see the links below to help you better identify symptoms and continue to share resources with one another on this important topic: Understanding Your Hormones and Seizures – Epsy Health https://www.epsyhealth.com/seizure-epilepsy-blog/understanding-your-hormones-and-seizures
Epilepsy Foundation – Seizure & Epilepsy Information: https://www.epilepsy.com/
Introduction: A Deep Dive into Babygirl’s Exploration of Women’s Sexuality
Babygirl is a film that has been called an erotic thriller. It stars Nicole Kidman, Harris Dickinson, and my favorite Antonio Banderas. The film is about a high powered CEO who has an affair with an intern. Beyond the affair it personifies a common theme that women struggle with. This conflict begins in our teens and by middle age, many women are finding the strength and the words to express the angst they feel.
The Struggles Women Face: Desire, Shame, and Secrecy
What the film does so well is to shine a light on secrecy and shame. These two elements can not co-exist without the other. It also tries to explain why some people do not address their true sexual desires and need for intimacy with a partner. Many feel safer exploring this with someone who does not know them. Someone whom they can explore this other side of themselves that has been suppressed for decades. Is this an excuse? Is this a way to justify their behavior?
No, it’s one explanation. The cultural expectations placed on women has been to be a saint or a sinner, a mother or a whore. Being dominated into telling our secrets, being left with no other choice but to tell. The play that Romy’s husband is producing shows us a scene of a woman with a gun pointed to her forehead. It is at this extreme that she is confronted to admit she is “not really happy, that’s the bottom of it.”
Romy is not in connection to the many aspects of her life that she is unhappy with. She is caged in a role in her life that does not bring her the satisfaction that she craves. This craving is a feeling that she later reports she’s been trying to treat. It manifests itself in what she deems a sexual deviance, sexual desires that she can’t understand. In her first sexual encounter with the intern she mumbles to herself that “she doesn’t want to be” she resists the pleasure and then cries in Samuels arms. The audience is left to wonder if this is perhaps the first time Romy orgasms with a partner.
This level of intimacy reveals to her what she’s been missing and needing in her life. It contradicts the intimacy of her role as mother and wife. The movie shows us scenes of sex with intern and scenes of Romy in her family life. The only time the intern expresses any intimacy is with Romy’s family where the audience learns about his background. Questions that Romy had not shown interest in. Later, they fight in the car and he tells her that she looks like a mother and he’s not into that. He thought they were two children playing. When she starts to mother him he is disinterested, angry, and hurt.
What the film does well is not to sensationalize sexual desire and exploration. Old taboos are no longer what they were. There is more permission to discuss what we want sexually as part of the give and take nature of a relationship. I loved Antonio Banderas’ character, Jacob, who is trying to navigate trust with a person who has been lying to him for 19 years. (I think that concept could make an interesting film, btw) In contrast, Samuel demand trust and consent. He knows Romy is a liar. Her husband does not. Samuel wants her to lay herself bare of lies, to play, and to pretend. He wants to reveal himself to Romy but she doesn’t seem interested. It’s a one sided relationship.
Her safe word is Jacob, this is her safe place. A reminder that no matter how much Samuel gets her to bare herself, she will never truly feel safe with him. “Sometimes, I scare myself,” Samuel shares. He wants her to do her therapy on him, he wants her to ask him more about himself. She says that he “knows things and senses things about people” and Samuel just wants to be held by her. Find a safe place in her that he can reveal and feel known. She doesn’t say more to him. That’s not the relationship that they have. It’s the same lack of intimacy, a pattern she is repeating. “I just want to protect you,” is a phrase Romy uses more than once to hide her own agenda.
The Cuckoo Bird Analogy: Manipulation and Power Dynamics
The other fun “tell” was with the club scene where Samuel talks to Romy about the cuckoo bird’s survival strategy. It leaves its eggs in other nests to cause chaos. This is what he’s doing. Like the cuckoo bird, he sought Romy to be his mentor, a host mother. He’s learning from her, consuming all her attention for his benefit. Esme, another great character, sees Romy clearly. Sees in her the version that Romy could become, a real leader. Does not judge her on a basis of morality but sees her as capable. That lens gives her the courage to confront her own behavior and tell her husband some truth. It seems like a step towards her own self-acceptance, she wants to integrate these two sides of herself. How can they coexist in her life in a meaningful way? How can she be honest and vulnerable? She attempts it, and can’t come quite as clean as she needed to with her husband. Sh still tries to defend and justify her mistakes. But, its not about her sexual fantasies she can’t control, it’s about her lies. I agree with her husband.
In the end the cuckoo destroys her nest and I feel sorry for Samuel. He doesn’t realize the extent of manipulation and lies. She did use and abuse him. Samuel seems to insinuate that Jacobs’ dated idea of sexuality could be another reason why this affair happened. This realization hits Jacob right in his chest. There’s truth in this statement. Perhaps Jacob sees himself in Samuel and in the moment before he leaves, perhaps Samuel saw himself in Jacob.
Romy’s Emotional Journey: Struggling with Identity and Sexual Desire
In the end, I questioned if Romy was a hero? Does she embrace change and get in touch with her vulnerability, does she share her learning? Is she an advocate for women? Does she embrace change, sincerity, radical self honesty, compassion, the tenants of true connection. Dare to let go of expectations, it sounds like Brene Brown wrote Esme’s speech towards the end of the film. This is left for the audience to judge for themselves and in judging Romy, can they also explore the truths they are not revealing to themselves or their partners. Brene would say being brave needs practice. What can we practice? What is the film asking of us?
Conclusion: Babygirl and the Exploration of Women’s Sexuality
Fundamentally, as women we are called to strive for this kind of growth. One of the great experiences in life is being a parent, being a partner, and having the courage to face ourselves while remaining in connection to our relationships. Developing a deeper understanding of how that can strengthen relationships vs. staying in fear or shame. In the end, Romy stands up for herself. No longer ashamed when a coworker tries to shame her with knowledge of the intern. We find her as we did in the beginning, having intimacy with her husband and this time she gives the audience a different version of herself. She looks her husband in the eye, they are closer. We see her allowing him to bring her to climax and although the fantasy in her mind is of the intern, she has revealed new parts of herself to her husband. He has accepted her, loves her. It’s not perfect, but it will do. This movie for me brought old and new concepts of sexuality together. Highlighted our capacity to grow and evolve, to come back from spaces we are ashamed of, and tell our stories.
It was the Facebook post that got to me. In a private group for therapists—a space for support and shared struggles—someone posed a simple yet loaded question: “How’s everyone coping?” The poster, a queer woman living in the South, shared how difficult it has been treating LGBTQ+ clients while also managing her own fears. She admitted that her usual coping skills weren’t enough lately. I sighed in recognition of the weight behind her words.
As I contemplated my response, my daughter walked in to tell me that her friend had decided to drop out of high school, just four months shy of graduation. It had been a tough time for them, and at that moment, I searched for the right thing to say.
I asked if I could speak to this friend, and my daughter agreed. She even suggested we all go out for dinner to talk. I smiled and said yes, that it would be nice. Being her mother, I encouraged her to ask them to reconsider. I talked about the importance of honoring commitments, of being accountable and responsible. She shrugged, unsure. Later, I told my husband about the conversation and how I was struggling to find the right words—for the friend, for my daughter, and even for myself.
Therapist Burnout: Recognizing the Signs and Finding Strength
Eventually, I replied to the Facebook post. I shared that I too felt like I was grappling with life and had decided to pause my transgender support group. My cup was empty. Earlier that day, after visiting my father, I even considered taking a two-year break from counseling if he passes away. My father is coping with heart failure and stage 4 kidney failure. When I saw him, he looked tired. Still, he got up and sat with me, letting his fatigue wait. On the table was his pillbox, a reminder of the relentless cycle of illness. Watching a parent near the end of their life is a grief unlike any other. And yet, I have to hold all of this while the world keeps moving. During the pandemic, my motto was “The show must go on.” I got up every morning, focused on my work, my family. I made sure the kids were logged into Zoom classes, wiped down groceries with my husband, anxiously stocked Lysol and hand sanitizer. I watched CNN’s death toll graphs, terrified of losing my parents. When they survived, I thanked God. But my grief had started before the pandemic—watching children in cages, families being separated, feeling the world unravel. That grief still sits in the center of my chest, reignited by new uncertainties and fears.
The Emotional Toll of Grief and How to Navigate It
Grief is like a strong repellant, something people avoid, as if it’s contagious. But it’s inevitable. We all carry it. In Mexico, we celebrate death to cope, to remember that our loved ones mattered. Their lives had an impact. We honor them.
At 3:30 in the morning, I finally broke. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God for more time with my father, for patience with my daughters, for safety for my loved ones here and abroad. I thought about people returning to rubble in Gaza, families reuniting with hostages, the ongoing war in Ukraine, the communities rebuilding after disasters in North Carolina and California. I prayed for them too.
And then I thought about my own commitments. The advice I gave my daughter about her friend suddenly felt heavy. I know so many of us are tired. We worked through the pandemic with so much fear. Where is that sense of resolution I once had? How do I find the strength again? During COVID, I doubled my patient load, extended my hours, poured myself into my work. I don’t know if I have that in me anymore.
I remembered my father’s kidney doctor, how exhausted she looked at his last appointment. Just before the holidays, she admitted to both of us how difficult the year had been for her. I wish I had told her how much her care meant to us. I know I thanked her, but I wish I had said more—that her work had a ripple effect, that she mattered.
Why ‘Échale Ganas’ Matters in Times of Crisis
Maybe I’m not depleted after all. The dictionary defines depletion as “empty of a principal substance, to lessen markedly in quality, content, power, or value.” But that’s not me. My soul is intact. I have not lessened in value. I refuse to use that word to define what I’m feeling. If I feel grief, it’s because I am alive. And if that is true, then so is the possibility of hope and healing.
I know hard times are ahead. My father’s illness will progress. The world will continue to break in ways that shatter us. My work will remain challenging. But I realized that my father doesn’t take his medication just for himself. He takes it for me. Every day, he chooses to keep going despite the pain. It’s the phone calls, the visits, the kindness that matter most.
As my tías and mother always say, “Échale ganas.” It means to give it your all, to push forward with determination. When I was young and complained about homework, my mother would say it. Now, at almost fifty, the words carry a deeper weight. I will give it my best effort, just as my father is doing now. Just as my tía did before she passed, holding on not for herself, but for her family.
These are the seeds we sow, the strength we pass to the next generation. Like the families rebuilding in Gaza, Ukraine, California, and North Carolina, we rebuild, too. It’s an act of love.
Let’s Keep Going: Share Your Story
Let’s share in that strength. Let’s be kinder, more patient. Let’s not give up. Échale ganas. #mentalhealthmatters #therapistthoughts #healingjourney #selfcare #therapistburnout #compassionfatigue #griefsupport #copingwithloss #healingthroughgrief #resilience #EchaleGanas #latinastrength #mexicanheritage #culturalwisdom #innerstrength #2025 #lifein2025 #personalgrowth #mindfulnessmatters #hopeandhealing #keepgoing #therapistlife #personalgrowth #lifechallenges #selfcare #burnoutprevention
