Introduction: A Deep Dive into Babygirl’s Exploration of Women’s Sexuality
Babygirl is a film that has been called an erotic thriller. It stars Nicole Kidman, Harris Dickinson, and my favorite Antonio Banderas. The film is about a high powered CEO who has an affair with an intern. Beyond the affair it personifies a common theme that women struggle with. This conflict begins in our teens and by middle age, many women are finding the strength and the words to express the angst they feel.
The Struggles Women Face: Desire, Shame, and Secrecy
What the film does so well is to shine a light on secrecy and shame. These two elements can not co-exist without the other. It also tries to explain why some people do not address their true sexual desires and need for intimacy with a partner. Many feel safer exploring this with someone who does not know them. Someone whom they can explore this other side of themselves that has been suppressed for decades. Is this an excuse? Is this a way to justify their behavior?
No, it’s one explanation. The cultural expectations placed on women has been to be a saint or a sinner, a mother or a whore. Being dominated into telling our secrets, being left with no other choice but to tell. The play that Romy’s husband is producing shows us a scene of a woman with a gun pointed to her forehead. It is at this extreme that she is confronted to admit she is “not really happy, that’s the bottom of it.”
Romy is not in connection to the many aspects of her life that she is unhappy with. She is caged in a role in her life that does not bring her the satisfaction that she craves. This craving is a feeling that she later reports she’s been trying to treat. It manifests itself in what she deems a sexual deviance, sexual desires that she can’t understand. In her first sexual encounter with the intern she mumbles to herself that “she doesn’t want to be” she resists the pleasure and then cries in Samuels arms. The audience is left to wonder if this is perhaps the first time Romy orgasms with a partner.
This level of intimacy reveals to her what she’s been missing and needing in her life. It contradicts the intimacy of her role as mother and wife. The movie shows us scenes of sex with intern and scenes of Romy in her family life. The only time the intern expresses any intimacy is with Romy’s family where the audience learns about his background. Questions that Romy had not shown interest in. Later, they fight in the car and he tells her that she looks like a mother and he’s not into that. He thought they were two children playing. When she starts to mother him he is disinterested, angry, and hurt.
What the film does well is not to sensationalize sexual desire and exploration. Old taboos are no longer what they were. There is more permission to discuss what we want sexually as part of the give and take nature of a relationship. I loved Antonio Banderas’ character, Jacob, who is trying to navigate trust with a person who has been lying to him for 19 years. (I think that concept could make an interesting film, btw) In contrast, Samuel demand trust and consent. He knows Romy is a liar. Her husband does not. Samuel wants her to lay herself bare of lies, to play, and to pretend. He wants to reveal himself to Romy but she doesn’t seem interested. It’s a one sided relationship.
Her safe word is Jacob, this is her safe place. A reminder that no matter how much Samuel gets her to bare herself, she will never truly feel safe with him. “Sometimes, I scare myself,” Samuel shares. He wants her to do her therapy on him, he wants her to ask him more about himself. She says that he “knows things and senses things about people” and Samuel just wants to be held by her. Find a safe place in her that he can reveal and feel known. She doesn’t say more to him. That’s not the relationship that they have. It’s the same lack of intimacy, a pattern she is repeating. “I just want to protect you,” is a phrase Romy uses more than once to hide her own agenda.
The Cuckoo Bird Analogy: Manipulation and Power Dynamics
The other fun “tell” was with the club scene where Samuel talks to Romy about the cuckoo bird’s survival strategy. It leaves its eggs in other nests to cause chaos. This is what he’s doing. Like the cuckoo bird, he sought Romy to be his mentor, a host mother. He’s learning from her, consuming all her attention for his benefit. Esme, another great character, sees Romy clearly. Sees in her the version that Romy could become, a real leader. Does not judge her on a basis of morality but sees her as capable. That lens gives her the courage to confront her own behavior and tell her husband some truth. It seems like a step towards her own self-acceptance, she wants to integrate these two sides of herself. How can they coexist in her life in a meaningful way? How can she be honest and vulnerable? She attempts it, and can’t come quite as clean as she needed to with her husband. Sh still tries to defend and justify her mistakes. But, its not about her sexual fantasies she can’t control, it’s about her lies. I agree with her husband.
In the end the cuckoo destroys her nest and I feel sorry for Samuel. He doesn’t realize the extent of manipulation and lies. She did use and abuse him. Samuel seems to insinuate that Jacobs’ dated idea of sexuality could be another reason why this affair happened. This realization hits Jacob right in his chest. There’s truth in this statement. Perhaps Jacob sees himself in Samuel and in the moment before he leaves, perhaps Samuel saw himself in Jacob.
Romy’s Emotional Journey: Struggling with Identity and Sexual Desire
In the end, I questioned if Romy was a hero? Does she embrace change and get in touch with her vulnerability, does she share her learning? Is she an advocate for women? Does she embrace change, sincerity, radical self honesty, compassion, the tenants of true connection. Dare to let go of expectations, it sounds like Brene Brown wrote Esme’s speech towards the end of the film. This is left for the audience to judge for themselves and in judging Romy, can they also explore the truths they are not revealing to themselves or their partners. Brene would say being brave needs practice. What can we practice? What is the film asking of us?
Conclusion: Babygirl and the Exploration of Women’s Sexuality
Fundamentally, as women we are called to strive for this kind of growth. One of the great experiences in life is being a parent, being a partner, and having the courage to face ourselves while remaining in connection to our relationships. Developing a deeper understanding of how that can strengthen relationships vs. staying in fear or shame. In the end, Romy stands up for herself. No longer ashamed when a coworker tries to shame her with knowledge of the intern. We find her as we did in the beginning, having intimacy with her husband and this time she gives the audience a different version of herself. She looks her husband in the eye, they are closer. We see her allowing him to bring her to climax and although the fantasy in her mind is of the intern, she has revealed new parts of herself to her husband. He has accepted her, loves her. It’s not perfect, but it will do. This movie for me brought old and new concepts of sexuality together. Highlighted our capacity to grow and evolve, to come back from spaces we are ashamed of, and tell our stories.
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