What should I say to someone who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth?

The best thing you can do is listen without judgment. Avoid clichés like 'you can try again' or 'everything happens for a reason.' Instead, validate their grief by saying things like 'I’m so sorry for your loss' or 'I’m here for you whenever you need to talk.'

Is it normal to grieve for years after a miscarriage or stillbirth?

Yes. Grief from pregnancy loss can last years or even decades. Many women don’t feel ready to share or process their loss until much later in life. It's important to allow space for that healing without shame.

Are there physical reasons mothers never forget a lost pregnancy?

Yes. Research shows that fetal cells from the placenta can remain in the mother's body—especially her brain—for decades. These cells, called fetal microchimerism, are one reason mothers often continue to feel a deep, physical connection to the child they lost.

What resources are available for grieving mothers?

There are several organizations that provide support after miscarriage or stillbirth, including March of Dimes, The Compassionate Friends, and the International Stillbirth Alliance. Therapy and support groups can also be essential in healing.

A Counselor’s Experience

The only time I ever cried with a client in over twenty years as a counselor was with a young mother who had lost her second child just hours after the baby was born. Sharing that sacred space with her as she recounted the devastating loss was the only time in my career that I sobbed during a session. The profoundness of her grief gutted me.

At the time of this session, my two little girls were at home, waiting for me to return. The thought of losing one of my daughters hit me hard—especially knowing how much not just I, but my entire family, would have lost. Over the years, I’ve sat with many women who have endured the incredible grief of miscarriage or stillbirth.

How the Medical System Falls Short

What’s even sadder is that the medical model’s approach to supporting mothers in this situation hasn’t changed in all my years of practice. They’re often just sent home to follow up with their OB/GYN, perhaps given a depression screener, a few community resource phone numbers—and that’s about it. Many women leave the ER still bleeding and scared. They go through the miscarriage on their own.

Yes, there are logistical challenges. Emergency rooms are understaffed and overwhelmed. But OB/GYN departments could do more—just as many do for prenatal education and birth classes. The hospital system could shift its priorities to include post-loss support for bereaved mothers.

The Stillbirth Crisis in the U.S.

According to a 2023 article by ProPublica:

“The U.S. stillbirth crisis, in which more than 20,000 pregnancies every year are lost at 20 weeks or more and the expected baby is born dead. ProPublica’s reporting found that a number of factors contributed to the nation’s failure to bring down the stillbirth rate: medical professionals dismissing the concerns of their pregnant patients, a lack of research and data, and too few autopsies being performed. Additionally, alarming racial disparities in stillbirth rates have compounded the crisis.”
Read the full article: https://www.propublica.org/article/stillbirths-rate-nih-cdc-prevention-research

Given these statistics, mental health clinicians often become the primary support system—if grieving women are even referred to us at all. BIPOC women, LGBTQ+ families, or those with limited access to healthcare continue to face unique burdens in our country.

What Grieving Mothers Are Told (and Why It’s Harmful)

Most mothers suffer in silence. They hear:
– “Try again.”
– “You’ll be okay once you have another baby.”
– “It happens.”

These phrases, though well-intentioned, are deeply dismissive. Many grieving mothers also hear, implicitly or explicitly: “Get over it and stop talking about it.”

Grief Isn’t Linear: Beyond the Kübler-Ross Model

In therapy, some mothers want to move quickly through “the steps”—the traditional stages of grief. But what I’ve found is that grief after miscarriage or stillbirth is not linear and never truly ends. It can take years—or decades—for women to find meaning in their loss.

Some begin expressing their grief creatively. Others finally speak the name they gave their baby. Quiet rituals emerge: lighting a candle on the due date, planting a tree, or writing a letter. These acts of remembrance and validation are essential.

The Science of Why Mothers Never Forget

Even if they go on to have other children, the loss never leaves. Women remember. They carry their babies deep in their bodies—literally.

The placenta, a shared organ, contains both the mother’s and baby’s cells. These cells migrate throughout the mother’s body. Research published in Scientific American revealed that these fetal microchimerism cells can remain in the mother’s brain for decades. This is why a mother never forgets—because her body won’t let her.

So please, stop telling mothers to move on. They physically can’t. Instead, we must create space for them to grieve, to integrate, and to heal—without shame.

Therapy, Grief, and Growth

Therapists must acknowledge that grief after pregnancy loss may require long-term, non-linear work. We must validate that prolonged grief coping and post-traumatic growth are not signs of dysfunction, but signs of deep love and emotional resilience.

Resources for Grieving Mothers and Professionals

– Cincinnati Children’s – Moms’ Memory of Pregnancy: https://scienceblog.cincinnatichildrens.org/moms-ability-to-remember-prior-pregnancies-suggests-new-strategies-for-preventing-complications/
– March of Dimes – Coping with Grief After Baby Loss: https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/miscarriage-loss-grief/dealing-grief-after-death-your-baby
– The Compassionate Friends – Support for the Newly Bereaved: https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/to-the-newly-bereaved/
– International Stillbirth Alliance: https://www.stillbirthalliance.org/

*If you or someone you love has experienced pregnancy loss, know that you are not alone. There is a large community of support available to you and your loved one. Please check out the links above and consider reaching out to a therapist or support group. **

Miscarriage and Stillbirth: Coping with Unbelievable Loss on Mother’s Day