As I approach fifty, I find myself asking the question many parents wonder but rarely discuss openly: was having children worth it? After nearly two decades of motherhood and countless conversations with clients as a mental health counselor, here’s my honest answer.
The Divine Mystery of Conception
Now at the midpoint of my life; this question has come up for me in different ways. I have the rare opportunity that most people don’t have. As a mental health counselor, I speak to so many people on a daily, weekly, and yearly basis. Enough to give me perspective. The topic of children comes up often. Parents struggling with their teens, parents grieving the loss of a child, parents struggling with adult children, parents with children who have special needs or disability, couples at the start of their journey, IVF and fertility couples struggling with miscarriage or multiple attempts, etc.
A fertilized egg is 100 microns in diameter. Roughly the size of a grain of sand. That moment when conception changes you, your life, your family’s life. The bible verse, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” Jeremiah 1:5. What if that’s true? When you think about the millions of variables that come with conception, it’s hard not to believe there may be divine intervention somewhere along the way.
Motherhood in an Uncertain World
Now my oldest daughter is in college and my youngest is on her way. I find myself holding my breath, hoping that they aren’t victims of school shootings, climate catastrophe, the many whims that we are all helpless against. Things were never good, I got married after 9/11 in 2002. Y2K, 2012, the many wars of my generation, enough things that would have made any reasonable person second guess the idea of children.
Motherhood to me was a necessity. I can’t explain it, like a heart beat, it was automatic. I needed my daughters. I wanted my children. Despite all the bad news, recession, pandemics, etc, having my children was not something I ever felt was “wrong” or that I should have waited on. It was an urgency for me. I feel bad about the state of the world, I wish it was better in many ways. I feel that my daughters contribute to the betterment of this world. In whichever way they will do that, I don’t know. It’s with that hope that we moved forward in having children. Like trying to thread a needle or capture a grain of sand, the many odds against us brought to life the true miracle this endeavor would be.
The Reality of Thankless Parenting
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn about motherhood is that it’s a thankless and ruthless task. It requires sacrifice and patience. The kind of patience that asks you to suppress a lot of yourself, to put others before yourself, everyday. It’s the hardest work. I’m the first to admit, I made a lot of mistakes. Some days I was better than others, and I found it’s all about trying. Having a commitment to trying. Having an understanding that gratitude is not something that comes from children. When you try and you are doing it right, they have no idea of what to be grateful for. Things just are, it’s what they are used to. Why would they be grateful? Why would they say thank you? But this is an area where a lot of parents get stuck. They have the wrong mindset.
Expecting gratitude is the path of disappointment. I told myself many times, “expect nothing. Do your job.” Aligning with what my job is has helped me a great deal when I had those moments of wishing my children could understand the sacrifices. It’s like asking a tree to drive your car. It can’t, it’s a tree. The same is true with children. Their brains aren’t fully formed until 26. They can’t understand, they don’t have your past memories or experiences. They are forming their own. Drive your own car. Let them grow. Move on from the “thank you” and allow yourself to practice patience and learning more about your own areas of emotional intelligence to cultivate.
Finding Fulfillment Despite the Costs and Sacrifices
So was it worth it? The cost of raising children for 18+years? Daycare, nannies, paying for college, dealing with all the drama and conflicts, the fights, the tears, heartache, fear. My husband would ask, after our first how or why I would put myself through it with our second. The difficult pregnancy and all the heart ache. The truth was, that after my daughter was born I kind of forgot the pain. The happiness of holding my daughters in my arms and the overwhelming joy I felt with taking care of both of them was and is so fulfilling. Nothing else compares to being a mother. Even if it’s hard.
It’s like when I would visit my family in Mexico and watch them eating spicy food. They would sweat, nose running, obviously suffering with the meals but nothing tasted as good. My children are like this. Yes, they are spicy and sometimes burn, yet I savor them. I enjoy them. I can’t tell you if it’s worth it financially. I can tell you that I’d give my last dollar to my kids. I’ll work longer and harder if it means they can have what they need. I don’t feel bad about that, I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I know many people who didn’t have children and are spending their time traveling and enjoying fine dining experiences around the world. Each person has their own experience and interpretation of what “living a full life” means to them and where and how they find fulfillment. For me, my children have been an easy way to get that sense of fulfillment. The sense of peace I feel when they are asleep at home, safe and secure. When my daughter away in college calls me when she doesn’t have to, but chooses to, dare I say wants to. When my youngest still seeks me out for a hug. I don’t have a dollar amount to quantify the sense of love I feel, only that I can’t live without it.
I have had moments of bitterness, wondering, what if. That’s normal. All of us do. It’s a natural part of being a human. I think many of us guilt ourselves for having these thoughts. I like to process it with my clients from a sense of “what’s next” what are they longing for? What do they need to express?
Looking Forward: No Perfect Time to Start
Looking forward, I am excited for the future. I hope my children have children and I imagine the day when I will hold a grandchild. My children coming to visit me, Sunday dinners and the continuation of our family. I think that’s the time to ask someone if it was worth it, because you have to get to the end of the journey to know. Although the future is uncertain and we are living in strange times, I hope those contemplating know that there is never a good time, there is never enough money, you can never be fully prepared. You take the leap.
Frequently Asked Questions About Having Children
Q: Is having children financially worth it? A: While the financial costs are significant (childcare, education, healthcare), many parents find the emotional fulfillment immeasurable. It’s a deeply personal calculation that goes beyond dollars.
Q: How do you handle parenting regrets or “what if” thoughts? A: These thoughts are completely normal. I encourage exploring what you’re longing for and what needs to be expressed, rather than judging yourself for having them.
Q: What’s the hardest part about motherhood? A: Learning that parenting is often thankless work that requires suppressing your own needs daily. Children can’t understand sacrifices until their brains fully develop around age 26.
What’s your experience with this question? Whether you’re a parent, considering children, or chose a different path, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
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